Bullet lists and sticky notes. Jokes I’ll never understand. Turtles in the home. Broken elastic. Promises I made to myself.

Tomorrow, today, yesterday. What difference does it all make? I have a longing that is killing me.I have an ache I can’t soothe. An itch I can’t scratch.

Bà, am I heartless?

People say love is a feeling that doesn’t die, they say it’s a feeling that transcends. But I don’t
believe it. What love exists if your mind easily forgets it?

I don’t understand.

Bà, why don’t you remember?

The ponytails you carefully crafted, the snapping of hair elastic. The sizzling of eggs on the stove, the ones that reeked of nước mắm.

Jade bangles worn on a faded purple blazer. Maroon lipstick in a shaky hand. Silver watch. Embroidered silk blouses. Deep smile lines. Slow blinks.

“Con thương bà không?” (“Do you love me?”) “Con nhớ bà không?” (Do you miss me?)

Well, do you remember me?

It’s okay. With time, maybe I’ll forget it too. Maybe it’ll die with me.

Bà, are we all that fragile? Born to die, born to be sick, born to be forgotten?

Long ago, someone told me, “Who will remember you? You have nothing inside you!”

Well, let’s check. Let me grab a spoon, let me scoop for something within. Let me listen for a sound, for a sign there’s something. A ring? A clink? A jingle? Quiet. Clean. Nothing.

Let me pull myself apart with a fork.

Any măng cụt? Any chôm chôm? Maybe some nhãn lồng too? Write while you wait. The line won’t get shorter. It never does.

Into the palm of my hand I etch:

Cúng phật (Buddha, I pray to you)
phù hộ cho con gia đình mạnh. (Bless my family with good health)
Cho Em Bảo Chi Mi ngoan (Let my little brother and I be good children)
Cho học giỏi (Let us be studious)
Cho mẹ ba có việc làm (Let my parents have stable jobs)
Cho lo cho con. (So they can take care of us)
Tạ ơn Phật (Thank you, Buddha)

Bullet lists and sticky notes. Jokes I’ll never understand. Turtles in the home. Broken elastic. I’ll try again tomorrow.

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Lana Nguyen is a sophomore from Baker with a teeny tiny egg obsession. She loves eating them boiled, poached, deviled, fried, sunny side up, scrambled, and baked. In her free time, you will find her nowhere on campus because she will be asleep.